Attention all slaves customers! This is The Death Star AT&T Wireless. We have an important announcement.
Some of you may have heard nasty rumors that we have discontinued selling our flagship product in New York City. Nothing could be farther from the truth. We simply believe New Yorkers do not truly appreciate the gift that is the iPhone. They complain about dropped calls and slow internet, and ever since the Geneva Convention prevented us from using the Force to choke the life out of troublemakers we have been unable to properly service this area.
As a result, we are temporarily banning sales of the iPhone, pursuant to Section XVIII, Paragraph 4, Subset 7, Bullet Point 3 of your AT&T Wireless Contract, which states: “AT&T Wireless and all Empire subsidiaries reserve the right to enforce proper adoration of the iPhone and the accompanying network. Any and all attempts to present evidence to the contrary will result in penalties ranging from lack of phones to full vaporization.” And if you think we’re joking, has anyone found the ruins of Atlantis yet?
We recognize that our more loyal sheep customers may have already fallen for the “online fraud” excuse. Do not despair, as this is an acceptable answer and you will be spared should Darth Vader Ralph De La Vega be forced to make a personal appearance.
UPDATE: We thank you all for your worthy sacrifices. You are now free to resume ordering the iPhone in New York City. Let this be a lesson to you.
Thank you, and enjoy your experience on the nation’s fastest 3G network.