Princess Kate is Pregnant and The Onion Wastes No Time Chiming In

By now most of the Western world has heard that Princess Kate Middleton is pregnant, as the official announcement was made on December 3rd:

Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting a baby.

The Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, The Prince of Wales, The Duchess of Cornwall and Prince Harry and members of both families are delighted with the news.

The Duchess was admitted this afternoon to King Edward VII Hospital in Central London with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. As the pregnancy is in its very early stages, Her Royal Highness is expected to stay in hospital for several days and will require a period of rest thereafter.

Notes to Editors: Hyperemesis Gravidarum is very acute morning sickness, which requires supplementary hydration and nutrients.

Of course, reports that Kate is not quite 12 weeks and the announcement was more or less forced indicate that this will be a closely watched ‘baby bump’, surprising no one. So for the next 7+ months – and the rest of the child’s life – we will know pretty much every moment of what is going on. The media have tried to manage a balance between providing a constant flow of information and giving Will and Kate some degree of space and privacy.

Nevertheless, expect to get inundated by wild and outlandish claims on tabloids (how long before we see claims of octuplets or that the baby is actually Harry’s child on some tabloid?) – and in general over-the-top coverage that will become tiresome before the new year.

Fortunately we have sites like The Onion to help us deal with these things with a decidedly irreverent take on … well, everything. Here is their version of Kate’s thoughts about joining the royal family last year:

Oh, what a fool I was. Like a schoolgirl, I actually believed I’d stepped into a fairy tale, with my prince charming at my side. Sweet illusion, how I longed for you to be real. Instead, a year after my wedding, the groom’s female relatives began to prepare me for pregnancy and childbirth, praying to the gods of fertility, slaughtering the beasts of the field, and feeding me special elixirs of obscure origin. Then finally, on the first full moon of autumn, the implantation process commenced, with the royal family gathering around in a circle as the prince planted his seed inside my womb, his vicious thrusts eliciting warm smiles of approval while my helpless shrieks fell on deaf ears.

And also her version of an announcement!

Yes, it’s true: After a year and a half of marriage, William and I are expecting a child, a greatly anticipated occasion that has brought much joy to the Crown and personal horror to me, the innocent woman who was chosen from among millions to act, unwittingly, as nothing more than vessel for a deformed and unnatural being.

For the love of God, for the love of all that is holy, cut this monster out of me!

I don’t care how it’s done. Use scissors. Use a razor. Use a bloody letter opener—just slice this demon from my womb and burn it to a crisp. Even now, restrained here in my hospital gurney, I can feel it gestating inside me, a malformed abomination wrought from centuries of inbreeding and an ancient pact of unspeakable evil. I can feel its scaly skin rubbing coarsely against the placenta. It knows what it is. It knows the power it wields even now. And all day long it demands to be fed, fed, fed. I cannot stand it any longer!

What do you think? Have you tracked the royals? Do you feel the media handle them fairly with the reminder of Diana’s paparazzi-instigated car crash death still on the mind of many? Do you care?

Categories: News