This morning, I woke up innocent to what was in my path today. But then I received THE EMAIL. I read it several times to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind, but it appears to be true and the world is terrible: Goldgenie is promoting an Ultra High Net Worth Gold iPhone X and X Plus.
Now, like me, you no doubt have many questions. Unfortunately, Gold Genie’s website is down, so I wasn’t able to look at their site for more information. Instead, I had to rely on their press release. It’s a bit scant on details, but it appears that Gold Genie believes this line of 23 Ultra High Net Worth Xs will be worth more than £2.3 million. I’m assuming that’s for the entire set, and not per phone, but it’s sort of unclear. Also confusing: Gold Genie calls this the “billionaire’s iPhone”. So for those keeping track at home, you’ve got 23 phones worth ~£2,300 being upgraded to being worth £2,300,000, being marketed to people worth over £1,000,000,000. With me so far? Also, purchasing one of these comes with “24/7 365 day VIP service”. I have no idea what services Gold Genie provides that goes beyond, say, a Black Amex, and they don’t indicate if this concierge service is forever or just one year. Still, I expect it to pay my Verizon bill, my car note, and my rent if I’m dropping £100,000 on a phone. Made of a notoriously soft metal. So, uh, don’t drop the actual phone.
This is all mind-boggling enough, but then consider this: THE IPHONE X2/X+/IPHONE X-MEN UNITED IS NOT OUT YET. THEY ARE LITERALLY ATTEMPTING TO COAT IN GOLD AND SELL A PHONE THAT DOES NOT EXIST. This is so far beyond vaporware I don’t think there’s a word yet…we would have to cross into quantum physics to figure it out. Put your money down on this and you’re investing in Schrödinger’s iPhone. They will happily take your money though, with a 50% down payment via their website (which is currently intermittently giving a 504 Gateway Time-Out error, so clearly people are lining up for this) or a bank transfer. It’s probably easiest to do bank transfer, because then you can wire the money you promised that Nigerian Prince at the same time.
But you’re a reasonable person. You’re not going to buy a phone dipped in gold that’s not out yet. Instead, you can snag a Royal Wedding Edition iPhone X, a golden iPhone with an image of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle embedded on the back while your Apple logo is encrusted in diamonds. It’s only available in a 256GB configuration, but it does cost a mere £3,597! That’s a bargain as a way to win any bar fight about who is a true Harry/Meghan stan. No one will doubt you when you smack down your vaguely stalker-y iPhone resplendent with their picture (but smack it gently, because, again, gold is very soft).
If you’re not already twitching in the corner, you might be wondering why any of this exists. The answer is right in the first sentence of the press release, and it will haunt me forever:
Nothing stops Goldgenie from being the first to announce and offer the latest and very first luxury range of customised iPhones to the general public.
This is the world we’ve made-one where Goldgenie can run around like a demented Midas, because Nothing. Stops. Goldgenie. Truly, there were no more truthful or terrifying words ever to open a press release. Where is Superman when we need him? We’re all doomed.