How to Guarantee That You Won’t Get the Reaction or Results That You Want

Offbeat

There are very few “sure things” in life, but here are a few things about which you can be certain  …

1. How to Guarantee that We Won’t Review Your Product

You can pretty much guarantee we won’t review your product if you introduce it to us by lying. Here’s a good case in point.

The first email was just fine.

Name: jon

How does one go about having a product reviewed by your staff? We have created a awesome new product called EarSkinz that have been designed to help stabilize the apple earbuds. We not only achieved stability, we also improved comfort and sound. Contact me if you have any questions.

Thanks in advance!

The problem was, a short time later we got the following via a different mode of communication.

Greetings. There’s a great new product that I think you should know about it. Check out[product we will not help promote]. I bought a pair before in Atlanta before the peachtree road race. These things were awesome. They kept my Apple headphones in place and improved the sound. I paid $10 at the expo before the race and thought I’d share with you. Cheers!

It came from the same person. So we emailed back:

Jon-

These look quite interesting but I’m a bit confused. Your email talks about you creating the product. This Google+ posting suggests you are a consumer. Can you please clarify?

To which he replied:

Thanks for the quick response. I didn’t realize that we had sent along two separate messages. It was not my intention to be misleading, both myself and one of my interns are posting about the product and appears that we have some redundancy issues to address.

Not his intention to mislead?! He sent a message posing as a happy customer as well as one where he said it was his product; then he blamed the mixup on his intern? The result? We won’t be reviewing his product, and we have outed him publicly for being duplicitous.

2. How to Guarantee that We Won’t Permit Your Comment

You can pretty much guarantee we won’t permit your comment if you name-call, use abusive language, or gratuitously curse.

The supposed anonymity of the Internet seems to enable those who might otherwise be civil be anything but. Just as you wouldn’t disagree with someone by first calling them a nasty name in person, we’re not going to have it here. And if you would do so in person, then we don’t want to know you. Just sayin’.

Do feel free to disagree! Tell us when you think we are completely wrong! Point out where you think we have missed something! Do it all, but do it with a civil tone that your grandmother would be proud of.

3. How to (just about always) Guarantee that You Won’t Win a Contest

You can pretty much guarantee you won’t win a contest (unless you slip by us) if you enter a contest using numerous emails and fake identities. More than once we have had someone win, and then we determined a new winner when it became clear the entry was part of a larger attempt to fool us. We don’t always catch it, but more often than not we do — and we will automatically disqualify the entry. Do it more than once and you likely will never win anything. And we’ve got some great stuff to give away.

4. And finally, while it doesn’t guarantee anything (other than a warm-fuzzy feeling on our part!), think about how you use social media; putting out a global tweet telling us about a mistake is just rude. If we make a mistake, get a detail wrong, or spell a name wrong, please feel free to email or direct IM/Twitter us.

About the Author

Dan Cohen
Having a father who was heavily involved in early laser and fiber-optical research, Dan grew up surrounded by technology and gadgets. Dan’s father brought home one of the very first video games when he was young and Dan remembers seeing a “pre-release” touchtone phone. (When he asked his father what the “#” and “*” buttons were his dad said, “Some day, far in the future, we’ll have some use for them.”) Technology seemed to be in Dan’s blood but at some point he took a different path and ended up in the clergy. His passion for technology and gadgets never left him.

1 Comment on "How to Guarantee That You Won’t Get the Reaction or Results That You Want"

  1. I’m also reluctant to take emails seriously that begin, “Dear Consumer”, or some other generic greeting. If you want me to be interested in your product, at least have the courtesy to use my name!

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