Twilight has been rebooted by Stephenie Meyer. This is not a drill. Head to your nearest bookstore immediately, because for the 10th anniversary of Twilight, there’s a new version of the story out. Where the vampire is a girl and her object of obsession/stalkery affection is a boy. And yes, it’s really by Meyer, and not fanfic like it sounds.
Now, you might be sitting here and thinking, “Wasn’t there a rumored new book from Edward’s point of view?” Yes, it was supposedly going to be called Midnight Sun, but after the first chapter leaked, Meyer refused to finish the book (supposedly maybe it will appear for the 15 year anniversary?) In any case, if you’ve read Twilight and thought “This would be awesome if Edward and Bella switched places, because stalking is far less creepy when a girl does it to a boy”, you’re all set … so head to Amazon to read the adventures of Edythe the “vampire” and Beaufort the presumably broody human male in Life and Death: Twilight Reimagined. Entertainment Weekly has some choice quotes from Stephenie Meyer about what inspired this reboot, but my personal favorite is that she claims it’s so everyone will understand Bella wasn’t a damsel in distress, but a human in distress.
I’m still not entirely sure this is reality, and that I’m not having a waking nightmare. But assuming this is real, it’s probably the highwater mark for strangest part of the Twilight phenomenon. Stephenie Meyer basically wrote a fanfiction version of her own book. The book which inspired a fanfiction story that then spun into the multimillion dollar phenomenon that is 50 Shades of Grey. To complete this circle, we need a fanfiction 50 Shades version of this new fanfiction version of Twilight. And so far there’s no word on whether Kristen Stewart or Robert Pattinson would be willing to reprise their roles in reverse. On the upside, I’m 90% sure that gender reversing the characters means there won’t be any half-vampire babies in future sequels … I hope.
And while we’re on the subject of Twilight, I would just like to point out that the Cullens and their fellow creatures aren’t really vampires. They have very few of the commonly accepted vampiric characteristics outside of bloodlust (see this Wikipedia article if you’d like to really nerd out on vampire traits.) Most damning, in my view, is that they’re nearly indestructible outside of fire or decapitation, they sparkle in the sun, and they infect their victims via venom, rather than a blood exchange, or even needing to drain their victims to near-death. They’re certainly supernatural creatures, but they’re barely vampires in the traditional sense, and it’s nearly impossible to take a sparkly predator seriously (in an internal Gear Diary chat, Candace called them “sparkly chupacabras”, which is how I’m going to refer to Kristen Stewart from now on). And let’s be honest, which is scarier:
Yea, that’s what I thought.