Grilled Cheesus and the Ecumenical Guide to Grilled Cheese

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Judie and I recently got pitched to cover the Grilled Cheesus. Yes, it is exactly what is sounds like — a grilled cheese gadget that makes “grilled cheese sandwiches easier and tastier — and more divine”. It is a real product that costs $39.95. We got to thinking, what would other faith-based grilled cheesers look like? Let’s take a look.


But first, a bit more about the Grilled Cheesus. Their press release says it is “the perfect kitchen appliance for families of faith, the Grilled Cheesus toasts the face of Jesus onto sandwich bread. It’s a great way to inspire your family at the dining room table, children in the lunchroom, or the congregation at your church coffee hour. However you slice it, the Grilled Cheesus lets you bring little grilled miracles to mealtime, snack time or anytime.”


If toasted Jesus isn’t your thing, you could try …


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The Polytheist Grilled Cheese maker produces a dozen small grilled cheese sandwiches at once. “After all”, says the developer of this gadget, “there are almost as many gods as there are types of cheese. We don’t believe in selecting just one!”

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Then there is the Jewish Grilled Cheese maker. This device presents you with a plate of crumbs and residual oil. “Here’s the thing,” says its inventor, “In the Torah God tells Moses he cannot see his face, but [he] will be able to see his shadow and all that remains after God has passed. That’s what this grilled cheese maker does. In addition, with Thanksgiving and Hanukkah falling at the same time this year, a plate of oil drippings makes sense. Judaism is, after all, as much about our historical experience as it is divinity.”

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It is worth noting that there is no Grilled Cheese Machine for Atheists. “We entirely reject,” says our source, “the notion of grilled cheese. It might seem like a good thing for parents to give their kids because they need to feed them SOMETHING, but at some point everyone needs to come to terms with the fact that grilled cheese contains little more than empty calories and false nutritional promises. We can do better than that for ourselves and our children!”

Hungry now?

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About the Author

Dan Cohen
Having a father who was heavily involved in early laser and fiber-optical research, Dan grew up surrounded by technology and gadgets. Dan’s father brought home one of the very first video games when he was young and Dan remembers seeing a “pre-release” touchtone phone. (When he asked his father what the “#” and “*” buttons were his dad said, “Some day, far in the future, we’ll have some use for them.”) Technology seemed to be in Dan’s blood but at some point he took a different path and ended up in the clergy. His passion for technology and gadgets never left him. Dan is married to Raina Goldberg who is also an avid user of Apple products. They live in New Jersey with their golden doodle Nava.

7 Comments on "Grilled Cheesus and the Ecumenical Guide to Grilled Cheese"

  1. The bad part with this? I know someone who might be interested in buying this….sigh. 🙂

  2. This is one of the funniest things I have read all week! =)

  3. Hilarious, Dan! 🙂 Especially love the athiest one!

    That (Grilled Cheezus) was actually a Glee episode that was pretty decent from the early shows when it was still watchable.

    But as I now pay more attention, I am very aware that ‘person of faith’ = Christian in the US. Not that it matters in this context, it is just interesting how unwittingly these types of ‘majoritarian oppression’ bleed into everyday life.

  4. Dan sent me the basic article on his way out today. After it was fleshed out and edited, he mentioned something about crediting Glee, but I had no idea what he was talking about. Now I understand. Oops. =)

  5. If you’re feeling like a Mexican treat, you could also make quesajesus.

  6. There are atheists who jokingly subscribe to the Flying Bread Machine. In fact, one fella tried to get his driver’s license picture taken with his face obscured by a bread bowl, but the DVM said he was toast and told him to quit loafing.

    BTW, in certain schools of Islam, if a Welsh Rarebit/Rabbit/Hare (a form of toasted cheese and bread) contains rennet, it may thus make the “Welsh Hare” Welsh Haram.

  7. Hilarious! Cheezus was a friends’ band in college. Mmm.

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